Feature: D.C. Water Cooler

A Mormon, a Nutbag And a Lunatic Walk Into A Bar…

Author: Jimmy Zuma
Published: February 16, 2012 at 12:40 pm


Pity the poor Republican voter. Each remaining contender for the nomination is wildly weird, each more hooker than a prom date.

First up, the strangely robotic Mitt Romney (R—Finance Industry). Kind of out of touch, Romney is a strong proponent of bankruptcy, layoffs, and the joys of firing people. To his credit, he’s the only potential nominee not owned by single rich guy. Of course, he is one.

But to evangelicals, Mitt is a devil-worshipping Mormon. Hence the public code language. When they say “he’s not a true conservative” they mean “he’s not a Christian.” In speaking to the New York Times, the Reverend R. Philip Roberts, president of Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary (until last week,) put it this way:

“The concern among evangelicals is that the Mormon Church will use his position around the world as a calling card for legitimizing their church and proselytizing people.”

The evangelical dilemma: do I vote for a Mormon because he can beat the Black Muslim? Both get their benefits package from the Devil right? One can just imagine how that conundrum bounces around and around in the mind.

If that wasn’t enough, Mormons also believe God’s has a wife, who they call the Holy Mother. And they baptize dead Jews. No kidding. Newsweek asked Mitt if he had baptized any dead Jews. Sure he said, but not lately.

So it is no surprise that a Gallup poll found one in five Americans simply won’t vote for a Mormon. One can imagine that’s mostly the in league with the Devil thing, but for at least some of them, the baptizing dead Jews thing probably accounts for some of it.

Then there is Rick Santorum (R—Dirty Industrials) He’s everything an evangelical could want. Except that he is a Papist. You may not know what that quaint, archaic word means. But in evangelical Christianity (like in the Church of England in the 1700s) “Papist” is used as a derogatory term for people who worship false gods (specifically the Pope, all those saints, and the Virgin Mary.)

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Article Author: Jimmy Zuma

What is your political office talking about around the DC Water Cooler? Email Jimmy at jimmyzuma@smartvstupid.com or call 202.681.4091. America's Favorite Liberal™, Jimmy Zuma, writes Technorati's DC Water Cooler, a weekly feature of what the politicians and pundits are talking about. …

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